The Northern Plight

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA- Dr. Gordon Anderson, President of North Central University since 1995, announced this morning that this school year would be his last at NCU. This announcement has sent a shock-wave of horror throughout the NCU community and has hundreds of students and faculty wondering the same thing, “Why Gordo? Why?”

Initially, Dr. Anderson didn’t give specific reason for his abrupt departure. After receiving dozens and dozens of emails from students and peers, he informed everyone that he had “received an offer he couldn’t refuse” from fast food giant Kentucky Fried Chicken.

“It’s been my dream to be the next Colonel Sanders ever since I heard that he had passed on.” Anderson continues, “Even when I was a little kid people always told me how much I looked like him. To be quite honest he was kind of my role model growing up. I only accepted the job at NCU to pass the time until KFC contacted me.”

After Colonel Sanders timely death in 1980, KFC has been actively seeking a look-a-like to fill his shoes at the company. Anderson had been secretly participating in Colonel Sanders Impersonation Competitions off and on for the last 28 years. Sources say that only his wife knew about it and even she wasn’t particularly fond of his unhealthy infatuation with the deceased icon.

“I always supported him in whatever he did.” Mrs. Anderson explains, “He was always very good at it too. KFC told him on many occasions that they would have accepted him as the Colonel if only he was a little bit older. Sometimes I thought the ups and downs of being Colonel Sanders impersonator was almost too much for him to handle.”

Mrs. Anderson noted that the last time her husband had direct contact with the company (before this offer) was in 1993. That last rejection took it’s toll on Anderson and he swore off ever professionally competing again. Until a competition came to St. Paul last September. On a wing and a prayer Anderson signed up and knocked the competition dead. Dr. Anderson explains in his own words, “The last 6 months have been a crazy time in my life. All the contract negotiations, and trying to find a successor at NCU. But I’ve finally made it. I always knew I was clearly superior. And now the world will know too.”

-Bernstein