The Northern Plight

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA- It’s that time of year! Valentines Day is right around the corner. The hope of warmer weather is blasting our psyche with thoughts of picnics, kites, and making out in that parking lot by The Quarry. So here are a few tips and tricks to kick your new romance into high gear.

Survival Tip #1-A car is a must have for any relationship to be successful. With the strict guidelines at NCU, sometimes the back seat of your roommates pick-up truck is the only place to get a little one on one time. It also has the ability to mobilize and bring you to places that are too far to walk, like restaurants, bowling alleys, petting zoos, and of course apple orchards.

Survival Tip #2- No canoodeling in the common areas. We totally understand the lack of options you have to swap shoulder rubs and watch movies, but please, please spare us. I go to Clay Commons to talk really loud about something awesome I did with the hopes that someone really attractive overhears me and falls in love, not to watch you spoon in the corner.

Survival Tip #3- Always hold hands throughout the entirety of all chapel services. This includes worship. Recent studies have shown that when two people who really love each other hold hands while praising, their praise output triples. “With your powers combined!”

Survival Tip #4- Premarital sexual intercourse is only wrong if you don’t feel bad about it afterwards. So as long as you are positive you’ll regret it and repent later you’re good to go! And when asking for forgiveness from Jesus, make sure you’re not thinking about the next time you might do it because Jesus can read minds.

Survival Tip #5- When sneaking your significant other onto your floor during a non-designated open dorm time, make sure that you don’t accidentally yell “Man On!” or “Girl On”. Even though this is your natural reaction, the consequences of such a lapse in judgment will yield unwanted results.

Survival Tip #6- Delete your Facebook and/or Myspace profiles. These will only bring your relationship trouble. Any flirtatious comments from former lover’s will only spark questions and concern. Along with this, delete any and all phone numbers of members of the opposite sex on your cellular phone, including family members and co-workers.

Survival Tip #7- You must understand the hierarchy of dating at NCU. Freshmen girls only date Senior boys. Sophomore and Juniors can date each other but they must break up before senior year so that the male can rebound with a freshmen girl. Senior females, will most likely be so fed up with NCU males that they will have a boyfriend from another school by this time. Freshmen boys should just throw in the towel and wait for the sophomore/junior doomed relationship. It is almost impossible for freshmen boys to find a college girlfriend. Most freshmen males just cherry pick High School girls from back home to make out with on weekends. But note that if you do this you will be classified as a douche bag.

-SCHROEDER “The Love Boater” BERNSTEIN