The Northern Plight

MORAL MAJORITY, USA - You could actually see the sweat beads of rage on Jedediah Samuels flushed face as he arranged his notes for the press conference yesterday. The spokesperson for Focus on the Family, the NAE, and other Evangelical groups bit his lip and cracked his knuckles irritably as reporters shuffled into the press room, bracing for a tsunami of righteous indignation.

“The moral fabric of our society,” Samuels began with relish, “cannot continue to endure the onslaught of this outrageous assault on the American family. It is an abomination to God, it is a disgrace to the Holy Bible and most importantly, it is a threat to the American Evangelical Christian.”

Onlookers were reportedly mesmerized by Samuel’s seething hatred. “Honestly, I swear he had these two veins in his forehead that formed a cross each time he said the word ‘righteousness,’” said one witness. “I’ve just never seen someone so comfortable with getting angry at stuff before. It was a miracle.”

Samuel’s tirade clocked in at a full 17 minutes (a record for a Wednesday in January) and vaguely referenced 6 “attacks on the American family,” 3 “violations of the principles established by our forefathers,” and even 1 “unchrist-like behavior.” It lacked, however, a cause.

“I just couldn’t quite figure out what was making him so angry,” explains witness Stephanie Gibson,. “He mentioned the liberal media a few times and I caught a few references to Hilary Clinton, homosexuals, and ‘pagan immigrants.’ But as to what the main point was, I’m not really sure.”

At this time it is unclear whether Jedediah Samuels’ rant effectively even had a central point, if the evangelicals simply needed to remind everyone they were still there and still angry, or if the listeners were simply too stupefied by his unbridled fury to care.