The Northern Plight

MINNEHAHA FALLS, MINNEAPOLIS - Representatives of Heaven were thrown into turmoil this morning to discover the Omnipotent creator of the Universe had been directly misquoted last night at Minnehaha Falls Park in Minneapolis. Reports indicate idealistic NCU student Trevor Bankman informed on-again/off-again girlfriend of 5 months Natalie Hill that God had told him they were supposed to get married.

“We just have this amazing connection.” Bankman was reported to have told his roommate later, “How could God not be telling me I’m going to marry her?”

Freshmen Hill, who’s already been told the supposed words of Jehovah 48 times this year counting daily chapel services, Praise Gatherings, Life Core events, and the daily email newsletter she gets from an internet prayer ministry, was more in the habit of pleasant-sounding messages from God that require minimal commitment, rather then precise instruction relating directly to her. However, not wanting to miss a direct order from Yahweh, The God of Abraham and Isaac, Hill is open to this new development. “I didn’t even really like him that much but if God wants it to happen, who am I to disagree?”

At this time, it is unclear whether Trevor simply misheard The Lord Almighty while reading his Bible or if he indeed intentionally wished to manipulate the words of The Alpha and Omega. “Quoting God often provides us with that extra push we need to get our opinions turned into facts,” said a spokesperson for Zion to reporters gathered at the pearly gates this morning. “So citizens of both the physical Universe and the spiritual realm can rest assured that we are investigating this matter to the best of our ability. Being that Yahweh is all knowing, it shouldn’t take too long.”

Such a flagrant miscommunication is not without precedent. At last count, God is, in fact, the most commonly misquoted being in human history with the possible exception of Common Sense or Ben Franklin. The Lion of Judah has been misquoted as justifying wars, human slavery, racism, the creation of nations, the destruction of nations, genocide, thievery, unfair punishment, unparented children, gluttony, greed, droll TV shows, bad music, boring public speakers, dull books, cheap merchandise, unnecessary purchases, ugly art, and a reason for hippies to cut their hair.

Only one person really knows what God told Trevor Bankman Sunday night in regards to his future with Natalie Hill. That person happens to be me because, well, God told me. - WOODWARD