The Northern Plight

A very special thank you to the first contributers! Please keep up the good work. While posting the guest submissions the front page headline popped into my head. So they aren’t entirely Reader Submitted, but I’m a reader too, so let’s let it slide. Enjoy.

front page:

SENIOR GOES BACK TO THE HEART OF WORSHIP, SLAUGHTERS LAMB DURING PRAISE GATHERING

local:

5 EAST DL TAKES “AWESOME DUMP”, FLOOR UNITES AROUND IT

sports:

TRACK STAR TWISTS ANKLE ON SQUIRREL IN ELLIOT PARK, SQUIRRELS OUTRAGED AT FAILED ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT

lifestyles:

NCU STUDENT CAUGHT WEARING CROWN T-SHIRT, LEFT NAKED IN MILLER HALL BASEMENT

travel:

JUNIOR CONSIDERING TRANSFERRING ASKS SELF W.W.J.D.?

technology:

TEXT MESSAGE FROM ‘GOD’ JUST DRUNK HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND BEING AN ASS

opinion:

“I can actually hear engagement rings sliding onto ring fingers.” - Celibate Senior

Hello friends, supportive readers, and those of you afraid of our motives because you’ve still neglected to gander at our About Us page. I have some good news and some bad news. I will present you with the bad news first. This semester will be the last semester that The Northern Plight will be an active blog. After a long conversation with Woodward I have decided that I want TNP to end on a high note. I’d rather burn out than fade away.

I cannot stress how much I have appreciated all of the visits and comments you guys have left. This blog has made this year one of the happiest and most fulfilling of my short 22 on this earth. Last July I wouldn’t have believed you if you told me I would be running a website that receives over 1,500 hits a day (for the last two months), had 117 posts, 1,055 reader comments, and over 100,000 total visits.

Now for the good news. For the last month of it’s existence, The Northern Plight is going to switch things around a bit. We want to hear from the readers. I want to encourage you to submit your own articles. We will accept any format, for example; News Snippets, Polls, Survival Guides, News Articles, and of course HEADLINES.

So it’s up to you to help us make this last month memorable. Depending on the response, I intend to post any and every submission. Thank you so much for the last year. Submit all articles to northernplight@gmail.com and let me know if you want to remain anonymous or use a pen name.

-Bernstein

BIBLE BELT, USA- Not to lose stride with Catholicism, who last month issued a list of 7 social sins to exist alongside the original 7 deadly sins, Pentecostals are now accepting ideas for an eleventh commandment. Here are a few early favorites for the coveted spot accompanied by some quick explanations

*Thou shalt not use substitutes that shadow a true evil.

(Basically everything is off limits. Fake swear words like frick, dang, rats, crud, and spit? Unacceptable. Drinking anything labeled a Soft-Drink? Unacceptable. Pre-Marital Masturbation? Don’t even think about it. Anything that is even close to looking, tasting, or acting like a sin is off limits.)

*Thou shalt hold no American Idol’s above Kelly Clarkson.

(She is the one true American Idol. Carrie Underwood is pretty good looking and moderately talented. I’d say if Kelly was God, Carrie would definitely be Lucifer. Following this illustration Pop Music would be Heaven and Country Music would be Hell.)

*Thou shalt ne’er use the Golden Rule as an excuse to hit someone back.

(We’ve all tried it. Got smacked by a friend and slapped them back. Then using “Do unto others as they do unto you” as justification. Their rebuttal was usually “Don’t strike back’ is in the Bible too!” or “Turn the other cheek.” This is just further proof that you can manipulate scripture to support anything you damn well please.

*Thou shalt legalize Marijuana.

(The argument that “God made it, so how can it be wrong?” comes to fruition. A survey showed that everyone who has voted for this particular one also voted for “Crash Into Me” by Dave Matthews Band to replace “Amazing Grace” as the most popular Hymn.)

*Thou shalt…

(It’s your turn)

-Bernstein

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – North Central University’s IT department announced earlier today that it would be instating new parameters for its cutting-edge internet filtration system, code-named Watch Guard. As of 12:00 AM on April 9th, any attempt to browse the well known Calvinistic website www.desiringgod.org will result in the exception code line “One or more categories denied helper=’WebBlocker.3′ details=rivaltheologicalviewpoints’”

“We just want to keep our students safe from anything that might challenge their faith in the Sixteen Fundamental Truths,” explains IT Director Rhonda Birkheart. “It’s all apart of IT’s mission statement, ‘Purity through isolation’. People don’t give us enough credit around here, we are as vital to the spiritual integrity of this school as chapel is or even Foundations of Leadership class.”

While North Central students seemed to gladly accept the restriction of March Madness bracket contests in an effort to control the rampant gambling crisis on campus, the general response to this latest action has been mixed. “There is absolutely no way I’ll be able to get enough research for my paper on deviant cults now. And the Minneapolis Public Library is only open 45 minutes a week now due to budget restraints.” Fifth year Junior pastoral studies major Jeb Tindall complains.

North Central’s actions are well justified as the website in question blatantly displays a claim that visitors can find, “Books, sermons, articles, and more to help you find your joy in God.” With a little digging, students might unfortunately stumble upon sermons titled “God’s Good News Concerning His Son” and “Resist the Devil!”

Some sources say that instructions for the change came directly from Assemblies of God headquarters in Springfield, MO. These rumors were not able to be confirmed at press time. The outcome of this website blockage is unknown to us at this time, but whatever will happen is most likely unavoidable and was probably destined to happen since the beginning of time.

Written by a Guest Editor

Posted and edited by Bernstein

Special thanks to a few contributors on these. Anyone who has a few good ones, send them to Northernplight@gmail.com.

front page:

PARENTS FOUND GUILTY IN EASTER CANDY RAZOR-BLADE DEATH

sports:

STUDENT WITH NO MEDICAL INSURANCE STITCHES OWN ROLLERBLADING WOUND

politics:

FAVORED T.A. SUES NCU FOR HUMAN TRAFFICKING

local:

LAST COLLEGE DAYS ATTENDEE FINALLY LEAVES, PREGNANT

arts & entertainment:

FRESHMEN’S “PLUCKING G-STRING” JOKE UNLEASHED ON UNSUSPECTING PUBLIC

lifestyles:

EMPTY TOILET PAPER ROLL STACK KNOCKED DOWN, BUT NOT OUT

opinion:

“Give me one good reason and I’ll stop awkwardly following you around.” -Not So Sneaky Kid Who Sits Sort Of By You At Lunch